Alexithymia is often described as the inability to recognize or describe one’s own emotions. That definition isn’t wrong—it’s just an oversimplification. And when it comes to being human, oversimplification usually misses the heart of the matter. It’s tempting to flatten aspects of identity to make them easier to understand or navigate. But in reality, alexithymia is a complex interplay of biological, psychological, and sociocultural factors. It’s not a lack of emotion—it’s a different relationship to emotion. And, like most things about being human, it requires us to build our capacity to sit with nuance, rather than avoid it.
In the following post, we’ll explore how alexithymia impacts:
- Interpersonal relationships
- Social interactions
- Mental health and well-being
- Aging parent dynamics
We’ll also offer practical tools and gentle encouragement for you and for the people you care about.
What Is Alexithymia, Really?
Alexithymia is not a disorder—it’s a personality trait or neurobiological tendency that can significantly affect a person’s emotional landscape. It exists on a spectrum, from mild difficulties putting feelings into words to more pronounced emotional disconnection.
Prevalence:
- 10–13% of the general population experience alexithymia
- Among autistic individuals, the rate climbs to 50–85%
- Up to 41% of war veterans with PTSD also experience it
Quick Myth Debunk: “Autistic people lack empathy”
This commonly held belief deserves a closer look. If you or someone you know assumes autistic folks are less empathetic, ask: What else might be going on?
Studies suggest that alexithymia—not autism—is often the real cause behind perceived emotional disconnection (Kinnaird et al., 2019). When we assume sameness within diagnostic groups, we limit our ability to truly see the individuals in front of us. Put simply: If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism. Not a blueprint.
Check out more mental health myth debunking here.
Interpersonal Relationships: The Emotional Gap
If You Experience Alexithymia, you may struggle to express what you’re feeling—even if the emotions are deeply present. Others might misread you as distant or unfeeling, which can be painful. You’re not lacking emotions. You might just need new tools for translation.
Common struggles:
- Not knowing how to describe what you’re feeling
- Confusion when others ask emotionally loaded questions
- Disconnection during emotionally intense conversations
If You’re in a Relationship with Someone Who Has Alexithymia, you might feel you’re always the “emotional one” or that your loved one is unavailable. They might not meet emotional cues in expected ways—but that doesn’t mean they don’t care.
Helpful shifts:
- Prioritize emotional presence over emotional expression
- Use specific, nonjudgmental language (“I noticed you got quiet when that came up”)
- Remember: they may not be withholding—they may simply not know what they’re feeling yet
Social Interactions: When Norms Don’t Match Neurology
For folks with alexithymia, social interactions can feel like guessing games. Navigating conversations, emotional undertones, and expected responses might not come naturally.
Challenges include:
- Misreading emotional cues
- Responding “out of sync” with the tone of a situation
- Feeling drained or anxious in emotionally nuanced conversations
What helps:
- Emotion wheels or charts for building vocabulary
- Pre-scripted responses for common scenarios
- Accepting that different isn’t deficient—it’s just different
A DBT Skills group like the one coming up at Sentier is a great place to increase your ability to notice and navigate emotions with intention.
Mental Health and Well-being: Beyond the Feelings Fog
Alexithymia can make internal distress hard to recognize. Instead of saying, “I feel sad,” someone may experience fatigue, irritability, or physical symptoms without a clear emotional cause.
This creates barriers to mental health care. Therapists may ask about feelings, but clients with alexithymia may not have language—or even internal access—to answer.
Therapy and healing can still work. Here’s how:
- Use somatic awareness: “Where in your body do you feel that?”
- Practice emotional education slowly, over time
- Embrace creative tools: art, metaphor, movement, and music
Good news: Alexithymia is not necessarily fixed. With support like therapy, mindfulness, and emotional education, many people build greater emotional awareness and expression—even after years in emotionally limited environments.
Alexithymia in Aging Parents
If you’re navigating a relationship with an aging parent who may have alexithymia (diagnosed or undiagnosed), it can be uniquely frustrating—and deeply tender. You might crave emotional closeness, but keep hitting a wall. The good news is that meaningful connection is still possible. It just may look different.
Tips for navigating this dynamic:
- Shift your expectations from emotional expression to emotional presence
- Use concrete and gentle language—don’t demand vulnerability
- Model emotional language without pressure (“I felt grateful to talk to you today”)
- Create rituals of connection, like weekly phone check-ins or letter-writing
- Seek support for yourself and your parent—it’s okay if it’s hard
Tools for Growth and Connection
For People Living with Alexithymia:
- Practice identifying sensations in the body (tense shoulders = stress? empty stomach = sadness?)
- Use journaling to reflect on events and your physical responses
- Try therapy that focuses on mind-body integration, like DBT or somatic experiencing
For Partners, Friends, and Professionals:
- Offer scaffolding, not shame
- Be a translator, not a fixer
- Stay curious: “How can we connect in a way that works for you?”
Conclusion
We are more than what we can name. Emotions are tricky terrain for all of us—but for those with alexithymia, the map might be missing some roads. Still, connection is possible. Growth is possible. Emotional understanding—however slow, however different—is possible.
Whether you live with alexithymia or love someone who does, remember: You don’t need perfect words to build real relationships. You just need care, patience, and a willingness to stay in the messy middle together.
Blog written by Sentier therapist, Levi Weinhagen, MSW, LGSW
Sources
Alexithymia. (2021). Handbook of Clinical Neurology, 47–62. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-822290-4.00004-9
Alexithymia: Causes, symptoms & treatments. Autism Treatment Center in Ohio. (n.d.). https://www.buildingblockstherapy.org/blog/alexithymia-causes-symptoms-treatments
A beginner’s guide to alexithymia. www.counseling.org. (n.d.). https://www.counseling.org/publications/counseling-today-magazine/article-archive/article/legacy/a-beginners-guide-to-alexithymia
London, Dr. D. (2023, October 26). What’s not normal about male normative alexithymia. The Psychology Group Fort Lauderdale. https://thepsychologygroup.com/male-normative-alexithymia/
Lovering, N. (2022, September 7). Alexithymia in relationships: Effects and communication tips. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/relationships/alexithymia-in-relationships
Wisner, W. (2023, August 22). Alexithymia might be the reason it’s hard to label your emotions. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/living-with-alexithymia-7643295
