Navigating the adolescent years can be a challenging and rewarding time for both adolescents and their parents.
For adolescents, this is a time of self-discovery and a chance to dip their toes into independence. For parents, this is a time where patience, boundaries, and ability to navigate tough situations becomes essentials for parenting.
All parents or guardians out there have been through their own unique journey as adolescents. But the wild thing is that the last time adults navigated this period was when they themselves were adolescents!
This blog aims to help you as a parent or guardian get through the wild ride of adolescence with an increased sense of confidence and the notion that you are not alone in this journey.
Understanding Adolescent Development
For starters, it might be helpful to know though what is developmentally “normal” or expected during these years. There are many parenting programs and parenting books on this topic, but I will summarize:
Adolescence is actually divided into three stages consisting of: early adolescence (ages 10-14), middle adolescent (ages 15-17) and late adolescence (ages 18-24).
Adolescence is marked by significant physical, emotional and social growth, but I don’t need to tell you that! Each stage of adolescence brings on new markers of change which vary based on person to person. Some individuals may go through parts quicker than others but we all eventually get through to the other side called “adulthood”.
Parents, there are some big things happening internally in your child that you may not even be aware of! For instance, did you know that at the age of 12, your child is undergoing a stage known as “exuberance” (a fun word to describe a child’s brain) where new synapses are being created allowing for so many new connections within the brain? (Ray, 2016) Every new experience is creating a new neural pathway and this growth within the brain just continues to expand.
The Prefrontal Cortex, the part of our brain responsible for decision making and logical reasoning, is actually not even believed to be developed until our mid-20s. Think of what this really means when trying to reason with your teen or question their ability to use logic. Some things just might not make sense to them in the same way that they do for you.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, teen brains react differently to stress and lack of sleep when compared to their adult counterparts. So, yes there is a reason why your teen sleeps so much – because their brain is exploding with new growth!
I haven’t even mentioned all of the physical changes adolescents are going through during this phase of life. The adolescent years span a little over a decade of marked physical and hormonal changes. Some of these changes can be really hard and uncomfortable to navigate for both teens and parents.
However, it is also important to note the amount of growth that occurs regarding deepening relationships, increased independence, and self-discovery.
There are some amazing parts of this time where parents get to watch their child grow into themselves and successfully navigate some really hard things.
The key to helping your child in their adolescence is by building a toolkit that helps you adapt, communicate, and support them effectively. Here are some strategies to enhance your parenting toolkit during the adolescent years:
The Importance of Communication Skills
Creating space for open and honest communication is vital to helping your teen navigate their world of emotions and identity development. There are daily opportunities for parents to do this. So, how can you make this happen?
Lean into listening instead of lecturing
- Sometimes, a parent’s first resort is to provide a lecture or lesson on what their teen should do, but this can actually create a sense of defeat in teens. Parents who lecture are implying that their teen does not know how to solve problems for themselves, which is hard on the teen and also loses connection between parents and teen.
- So instead, ask what it is that they need from you in the moment. Provide an open ear to what your child is struggling with and see what kind of solutions that come up with themselves. Provide reflective listening and remain curious with problem-solving. Your teen’s communication skills are developing, so be patient with them. If you need tips related to mastering your emotional responses, please read my other blog here.
Ask open-ended questions
- Get curious about your child’s world and ask questions such as, “What’s going on in your world today?” or “How do you feel today?” (in language that fits with your teen).
- Invite your teen into becoming an active participant in family decision making. Let them pick a restaurant, game or movie for family night. This allows them to know and feel that their opinion is appreciated and valued.
Listen and respond with no judgment
- Listen openly if your child has questions about sexual behavior or peer relationships. Remember, it is natural and developmentally appropriate to have questions about our bodies! Teen communication in this area is essential for teen learning and parent education and guidance. Also, pat yourself on the back if your teen comes to you with these questions! That means they feel safe enough to talk with you about this very vulnerable part of development.
- Don’t try to fix a problem or respond with criticism. Adolescents are bound to make a couple mistakes (aren’t we all?!); that is how they learn and is part of normal brain development and being human. Help them get through their emotional distress by being a calm presence for them.
Building Healthy Relationships
Fostering positive and healthy relationships within the home creates the building blocks for modeling lasting, positive and prosocial relationships in other social relationships. Strong relationships at home and with supportive adults empowers teens in other relationships in their lives. This is an important tool for social growth.
This is a time when adolescents are known to be overly critical of themselves and question friends, identity and interests, and you can help your adolescent discover their strengths.
You as a parent can help develop and model healthy relationships by:
Setting Boundaries
In order to keep your teen safe you as a parent need to be consistent with boundary setting. While having some flexibility is necessary and beneficial to allowing your child to be independent, it is also your job as a parent to ensure you are setting expectations for honoring family values and following through with these boundaries to contain adolescent behavior.
Encourage Independence, But Stay Involved
Allow and create opportunities for your adolescent to be involved in group or social activities. Peer relationships are vital during adolescence and an important part of self-discovery. Encourage them to become active in a school club or sport and stay involved as a parent with knowing what their interests are. While also respecting their privacy, you don’t have to be the parent who is always present to show you care!
Foster Emotional Intelligence
Model emotion regulation and validate and normalize your adolescent’s emotions. Show your human side and if you find yourself upset or frustrated take some deep breaths and verbalize your thoughts and feelings to allow space for your adolescent to practice doing the same thing. It is also important to normalize your adolescent’s feelings as all the things they are feeling are allowed, even the hard ones. This opens the door for teen communication and working together to help establish healthy coping skills that can be utilized at home or school. After all, we all just want to be understood!
Additional Tools & Resources for Parents
There are an abundance of resources out there at the tip of your fingers, and as a parent you want to ensure you are well equipped to handle all the ups and downs of adolescence. But while adolescents can be a time of development filled with discovery, new experiences and self-growth it is also a time where they are learning to manage and navigate the more difficult aspects of self-esteem, peer relationships and their mental health.
Don’t be afraid to have the hard conversations with your teen! It could even be helpful to share or explore some of these resources together and invite your teen to ask questions.
Linked here is a great tool and resource for parents from the CDC: https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-teens/communication-resources/index.html
Be a Team
Parents, you got this! Don’t forget to take time for yourself, seek support and be patient with your own learning. Positive parenting is not easy, it requires flexibility, patience, and a willingness to adapt. By enhancing your toolkit with strategies like fostering open communication, setting balanced boundaries, and encouraging emotional intelligence and improving teen communication, you can create a supportive environment where your teen feels valued and understood. Embrace the challenges and celebrate the victories, and remember that you are shaping the future in powerful ways.
Blog written by Sentier therapist, Bridgett Brye, MSW, LICSW.
Sources:
National Institute of Mental Health. The teen brain: 7 things to know. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know
Ray, D.C (2016). A Therapist’s guide to child development: The extraordinarily normal years. Routledge.
Stages of Adolescence. Kids First Pediatrics Partners. Retrieved February 3, 2025, https://www.kidsfirstpediatricpartners.com/parent-education/stages-adolescence/#:~:text=Adolescence%2C%20these%20years%20from%20puberty,ages%20eighteen%20to%20twenty%2Done.
