Coming out, or self-disclosure of one’s sexual/gender/romantic orientation, is a significant milestone and/or process for many (but not all!) queer people. When you hear the phrase “coming out”, you may think of a dramatic, one time event, but in reality, queer folks are constantly assessing their surroundings and making calculations about if and when they can speak honestly about their identities. Some LGBTQIA+ people come out formally to friends and/or family, and others never do!
The Importance of Family Support
In a situation where a child or teen comes out to their family, it is important for families to provide support and affirmation of their sexual identity or transgender identity right from the start. Parents of adolescents/teens often forget how much impact their parent-child relationships has on their teen. When parents are supportive of their queer teen, trust between family members increases, as do relationships with parents and within the family unit. The relationship with parents that a teen has and the parents’ overall level of support has a big impact on teens’ mental health. The Trevor Project found that LGBTQIA+ sexual minority youth with supportive families are 50% less likely to attempt suicide compared to those without support (The Trevor Project, 2022).
In a world where there are systems and stereotypes that discourage and devalue queer kids, having a solid foundation of family support and healthy family relationships is crucial in order for LGBTQIA+ kids and teens to develop a healthy sense of self and well-being. This is true for teens of all types of queer identities, including those with lesbian identities or youth who identify as intersex (intersex youth).
Understanding Family Reactions
While it’s true that it is nearly impossible to control an initial reaction to any sort of news, the important thing is to be intentional about how you behave moving forward and make sure that it aligns with your goals and values. Coming out may elicit a wide range of emotions from parents and family members – the shock of learning something about your adult child, confusion for what they mean when they disclose a sexual identity and/or gender expression that you aren’t familiar with, fear for the child’s safety, excitement for their honesty, and unconditional love for the person that your child is and is becoming.
Some parents may experience “ambiguous loss” as they adjust to their child’s new identity and how it has impacted their family life (American Psychological Association, 2022). They may need time to grieve the loss of what they imagined their child’s future would entail and process memories that they have of their child with a different understanding/perspective.
Everything parents feel is valid, but not every environment is an appropriate place to express those feelings. Processing the challenges of a changing parent-child relationship with your child directly is not okay. Discussing the pain you feel with your teen about the “loss” of an identity you had of them is not okay. Your teen has made a big step in telling you who they are, and they need respect in order to feel safe at home. There are spaces, such as Sentier’s Support for Parents of Trans and Non-Binary Teens group, where parents can explore their feelings about their child’s identity among peers and in a safe environment. Parents are responsible for learning more about and processing their feelings independently to provide more supportive responses during conversations with their teen.
Preparing for the Coming Out Conversation
If your teen has told you that they are ready to come out to extended family members or friends, there are some things you can do to help make that process as safe and supportive as possible. Family and community support networks, even outside the immediate family unit, have shown to improve LGBTQIA+ youth’s mental health by 25% (The Trevor Project, 2023).
Setting the Stage: Encourage teens to choose a quiet, private moment for this conversation to reduce distractions and potential stress.
Identifying Supportive Family Members: Suggest starting with or choosing family members who may already be open-minded or educated about LGBTQIA+ issues. This can include same-sex parents, lesbian parents, gay parents, or other LGBT families who understand the challenges. If the reaction of other family members, including possibly homophobic parents, is anything other than acceptance, it can be helpful to remind teens that those reactions often stem from societal conditioning or concerns for their well-being rather than outright rejection, and that they may need some time to come to a more healthy understanding. Having a solid group of supporting family members is important for teens to feel that they are not alone and that negative reactions don’t outweigh positive ones.
Self-Care and Support for Teens: Remind teens to care for their mental well-being, possibly through journaling or seeking support from LGBTQIA+ support groups like Sentier’s Middle/High School LGBTQIA Support Group. Making sure that your child has access to mental health care providers during this time is important, as those are safe spaces for them to receive support while other environments may be more risky.
Encouraging Open Communication within the Family
Stress in family relationships can greatly impact teen’s mental health, and LGBTQIA+ teens who have at least one supportive adult are more likely to experience positive LGBT health outcomes (Human Rights Campaign, 2021). Communication strategies like active listening have been shown to improve understanding and reduce conflict in family relationships (National Institute of Mental Health, 2022). So, how can you use those strategies in your home to ensure that it is a safe and supportive place for your teen to be themselves?
Fostering Honest Dialogue: Encourage open-ended questions, like “How can I support you?” or “What does this mean for your daily life?”
Establishing Boundaries: Suggest setting conflict boundaries around potentially triggering topics, such as discussing specific labels or sexual identity details only when both parties are comfortable.
Checking In Regularly: Recommend periodic follow-ups to ensure ongoing support, such as “How are you feeling about everything now?”
Navigating Conflict: Offer de-escalation strategies like “I” statements, e.g., “I feel a bit overwhelmed” instead of accusatory “You” statements, to minimize defensiveness. This conflict management theory approach can help prevent LGBTQ-related conflict from escalating.
Dealing with Misunderstandings and Conflicts
Misunderstandings are going to happen! And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Misinterpretations often stem from a lack of familiarity with LGBTQIA+ terms and concepts and can be resolved with some openness and effort from both parties. Conflict education can help family members understand these dynamics better. For example, a parent may misunderstand the difference between sexual identity and transgender identity, leading to confusion and hurt when talking to their adult child about their identity. To avoid these misunderstandings, parents can take advantage of resources such as online glossaries to clarify such distinctions.
When a misunderstanding occurs, it is also helpful to reflect back the teen’s statements to show understanding, such as, “It sounds like you’re saying…” If intergenerational conflict persists, parents can consult with an LGBTQIA-friendly family therapist who understands the concept of conflict work.
Moving Forward with Resilience and Love
Celebrating Progress is an important part of being an encouraging presence in a teen’s life. Take time to acknowledge small steps forward, like your teen feeling comfortable talking openly about their identity, starting to use pronouns, or trying out a new haircut or style.
Embracing individual and family growth can be a helpful mindset during this time. The teenage years are hard, on both parents and teens, and conceptualizing that time as a period of learning and growth rather than on hard goals and strict timelines can help families grow with one another in a healthy way.
Committing to a loving and respectful home as the ultimate goal can be a guiding force during this time. Perhaps family members can create a family mantra, such as “We love and accept each other,” to remind everyone of their shared values. Families must work together to build and maintain a home environment where everyone feels loved and respected. This is true for all families, including those with adoptive parents, same-sex couples, lesbian couples, and transgender parents.
Supporting Diverse Family Structures
It’s important to recognize that LGBTQ families come in many forms. Families with same-sex parents or heterosexual parents both face challenges when a teen comes out, though these challenges may differ. In families with same-sex marriage, teens may have different concerns about coming out than in families with heterosexual parents. Supporting your teen means acknowledging how your family structure might influence their coming out experience.
Conclusion
Empathy, patience, and understanding are foundational to navigating family dynamics and changing parent-child ties after a teen comes out. While this can be a challenging time, building a strong, supportive family unit through the process can be transformative.
LGBTQIA+ teens with supportive families are nearly 40% more likely to thrive academically and socially compared to their heterosexual peers (Human Rights Campaign, 2021). This support is especially crucial for teens who may later face challenges in intimate relationships, intimate partner violence, or child custody decisions as adults. Acceptance strategies from parents and family members can make a tremendous difference in a young person’s child development and future. Make sure your kid knows you see and love them for who they are, and don’t forget to take care of yourself as well!
Blog written by Sentier Client Care Coordinator, Ellie Struewing.
Sources
- 2023 LGBTQ+ Youth Report. HRC. (n.d.). https://reports.hrc.org/2023-lgbtq-youth-report
- 2023 U.S. National Survey on the mental health of LGBTQ Young People. The Trevor Project. (n.d.-a). https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2023/
- Lloyd A, Broadbent A, Brooks E, Bulsara K, Donoghue K, Saijaf R, Sampson KN, Thomson A, Fearon P, Lawrence PJ. The impact of family interventions on communication in the context of anxiety and depression in those aged 14-24 years: systematic review of randomised control trials. BJPsych Open. 2023 Aug 29;9(5):e161. doi: 10.1192/bjo.2023.545
- Simon, K. A., & Farr, R. H. (2021). Development of the Conceptual Future Parent Grief (CFPG) Scale for LGBTQ+ people. Journal of Family Psychology, 35(3), 299–310. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000790
